37 Questions

Questions For The Self; 
A Month-Long Reflection Through Intimate Inquiry, Referred By AVO:

1. What have I learned to appreciate about myself?

• I have learned to appreciate the aspects of myself I’ve long-since been attempting to change; the instinctively overfeeling, overthinking, overwhelming inclinations I’ve found can actually be lauded as the best parts of me in the eyes of the right people.

2. How do I feel when I am by myself?

• I often feel uncomfortable when I am by myself. I mentally flog myself with an endless reel of embarrassment and regret until I am resentful of the person I was or the people I interacted with in those moments.

3. What have I learned irritates, upsets, or frightens me when I’m alone?

• I have found I am irritated, upset, or frightened by my social anxiety when I’m alone. It’s a Catch-22 because I feel the most uncomfortable in crowded settings, but isolating to the opposite extreme prevents me from regulating my emotional responses until I get trapped in an inner monologue of self-criticism or feel paralyzed at the thought of leaving my apartment.

4. Am I satisfied with how I spend my time?

• Since practicing yoga daily and prioritizing working out, I am in some ways satisfied with how I spend my time. However, when it comes to the trappings of my addictive personality I still can’t seem to transcend, I have to be honest and say that my vices still outweigh my virtues.

5. Have I experienced any major life shocks? If so, what did I learn about myself during this time?

• I have definitely experienced major life shocks. The most definitive traumas were witnessing my father suffer an unexpected stroke at 43 before succumbing to an equally unexpected battle with terminal cancer at 48.
• I learned more about myself over the decade following these events than when they initially occurred; after relinquishing control and actually allowing myself to be vulnerable. I think the biggest lesson was in realizing there is no psychological statute of limitations on trauma and that there is no shame in dealing with the repercussions ten, even twenty years, after the fact. Death is permanent and sometimes grieving feels just as long; the acknowledgment of a loss that is felt every single day.

6. What dreams or expectations did I have about my life? Which have been fulfilled and which have not?

• I can’t name any specific expectations I’ve personally had about my own life, but I can name countless expectations projected onto me since I was 11 years old. It was the same year I was accepted into the best high school in the nation while my father simultaneously was stricken by a severe stroke. Everyone in the Korean-Christian community told my mother not to worry because I was going to become a doctor or a lawyer, the first Asian-American president or Miss Korea; that no matter what, I would be the saving grace of our family. I remember wearing a pink UCLA hoodie, a hand-me-down from a source I can’t place, and being reprimanded by a church elder because anything other than Ivy League was below me. I was 12 at the time.
• Given that I have dropped out of college, twice, and don’t find that a traditional education aligns with my personal definition of success; given that I have been disowned by my relatives, twice, for my vast array of tattoos and that I am not permitted to display them in family portraits or at family gatherings; given that the trajectory of my future unexpectedly veered in the direction I wanted to take instead of the path prepared for me; I can easily say that absolutely none of them came true.

7. What have I given up? How do I feel about it?

• I have given up my family’s acceptance in order to pursue the version of me that is free of their projections but I still struggle with the implications of my decision; guilt, rejection, ostracization, and shame – just to name a few.

8. At what times have I felt happiest?

• I have felt happiest at the times I’ve felt the most loved: sharing a bedroom with my mom in our tiny apartment before she got remarried and falling asleep to the sound of her steady breathing, high school sleepovers with my best friend and doing hood-rat shit like drunk mall-shopping, all the holidays I’ve spent watching scary movies with my cousins in the basement with each of us wrapped in individual blankets and trying not to scream at 3AM, having my closest friends visit me in my darling pink studio apartment in Brooklyn and drinking boxes of wine until I end the night crying in gratitude about how much I appreciate them.

9. In my current relationship,* how would I rate the 3 C’s (on a scale from 0 to 10; 10 being extremely satisfied)?

• It’s impossible to answer this question due to my lack of a romantic relationship, so I will do my best to answer it in a platonic context*
• Chemistry: 10/10 – All my friends are HOT AF. AN ARMY OF QUEENS.
• Connection: 10/10 – My friends make me believe in fate more than a romantic partner could; I know each and every one of these people were intended to be a part of my life and I feel wholly and completely connected to them.
• Communication: 9/10 – I don’t think there isn’t anything I CAN’T tell my friends, but there are a lot of personal struggles I withhold from them because I feel too burdensome, embarrassed, or anxious to be open about my insecurities and the heavily-flawed ways in which my brain works.

10. What would be my ideal romantic date?

• This one is near-impossible to answer because it depends on the person. I will say that I would want to be regaled with a night of doing something he loves; I’ve had dates crash and burn when men attempt to cater exclusively to what I might like. I would rather them feel confident while sharing what they are most passionate about. I also think a man is the most attractive when they are fully fired up about the things they love and I want to glimpse that firsthand. I’ve come to adopt a lot of new passions through the men I’ve crossed paths with; be it bands, sports, movies, or hobbies, and I would love to learn something new through the eyes of someone I’m interested in.

11. Am I satisfied with my sexual life?

• I’m not currently sexually satisfied but I am emotionally satisfied with prioritizing self-growth and self-discovery in lieu of physical insincerity.

12. Where am I feeling content in my life?

• I feel content in the freedom I’ve found. For too long, I felt stuck in a situation or dependent on others or afraid to live the way that I wanted because I felt a certain pressure. Letting go of obligation and expectation, embracing uncertainty and possibility; no matter where I go or what I do – my heart feels full.

13. Am I satisfied with how much money I have now?

• No. I am in a weird limbo, caught in between recovering from a workers’ compensation disability and heading into a pandemic-shaken economy. I am breaking even with freelance writing and living off my savings but I want to work towards increasing my net worth for the sake of my future.

14. How much money do I wish I had? How much do I want in five years? Ten years?

• I want enough money to start a family. If I can support a family on my own; taking into account the lifelong costs of childcare, school fees, clothing, housing, sustenance, and artistic or other recreational pursuits for multiple children – I will consider myself financially secure.
• I know a goal like this is as perpetual as my lifespan, rather than being measured in five years or ten, but I just want to reach a place in my life where I can raise a kid in New York without having six roommates or working three jobs. As my potential family grows, I don’t want my children to have to make conscious sacrifices due to a tragically precocious understanding of our financial reality. I just want them to be fully preoccupied with being a kid and having a good life.

15. In what ways am I contributing to my financial health (in dollars, or otherwise)?

• I am not contributing to my financial health due to these six months spent quarantined in Bali during a global pandemic, but I do have active plans to improve my fiscal situation with specific goals and remote job opportunities.

16. Am I preparing for my parents’ aging and eventual death (emotionally, financially, and spiritually)?

• Nope. The first entry I ever published on this website was about my irrational fear of losing my mom and my inability to accept this inevitability. I can confidently say, not much has changed.
• Emotionally: I am severely dependent on my mom after losing my dad at an early age and I’ve coped with a lifelong fear of something happening to her due to the residual trauma. I tell her, “If you die, I die.” That’s it.
• Financially: This one is a difficult one to face because I am so far from where I thought I would be at almost-thirty and my Asian mom makes it her priority to remind me of how old and decrepit she’s getting and how she would like to reap the benefits of my success and her sacrifices sometime soon before she’s dead. It’s an exaggerated maternal guilt but I feel it daily and it fuels both my motivation and my depression; try as I might to lead a life free of any and all outside expectation. For me, it’s about providing her with the life she deserves after working ten jobs simultaneously to support our family despite not being able to speak English or having any job skills.
• Spiritually: I would trust in my mom’s place at his right side in heaven because everyone will tell you that woman is an angel on earth and she’d just be going back home BUT it would be so hard for me to be cognizant of this truth and not have days where I feel heartbroken and resentful regardless.

17. Am I experiencing balance or harmony when it comes to the vision of my future (including location, housing, finances, health, lifestyle)?

• Yes. I am experiencing balance and harmony when it comes to the vision of my future because I stopped putting pressure on myself; instead allowing my soul to roam. I worked seventy hours a week in New York City where my life was Wake up, Go to work, Go home, Wake up, Go to work on an infinite, inescapable loop. I fell prey to the myth that New Yorkers are cut from a different cloth and the grind is next-level to separate us from the weak. I read online that over-work needs to stop being glorified and it hit me hard.
• How much of my happiness have I sacrificed over the years to make my mom acknowledge the success of my rebellious choices, to perpetuate this narrative of hustling hard, to carve out a living in a brownstone in a respectable part of the city, to be differentiated from the other drones, to prove to myself I could make it here? It saddens me that most of my memories were all work and no play, seeing my friends bi-monthly, and pursuing absolutely no artistic hobbies or romantic flings. My life took a really unexpected turn but I do thank God every day for his intervention in helping me see – Live More, Plan Less. What will be will be.

18. How have I learned to cope with the normal, day-to-day irritations of life? How can I handle them even better?

• I haven’t. I get very hangry and randomly infuriated by leering men – even writing about it makes me want to scream “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU UGLY FUCK?” Also strangers bother me in general; with my social anxiety I’m just a giant exposed nerve feeling either terrified or irritated by outside interaction. The number of casual racists I come across on a daily basis, in addition to the aforementioned misogynists, are too innumerable to measure and the average person does little to appease my assumptions of their presumed ignorance. Learn to spell, you twats.
• I also have Friday The 13th type luck on so when things go bad for me I end up bruised or bleeding in a series of accidents that would, and do, only happen to me. Thus, I spend a majority of my day-to-day cursing myself.
• The only solution I can offer for these aforementioned triggers is to either inhabit a different planet or a different body.

19. Do I feel more emotionally-connected now than I did when I was younger?

• I do feel more emotionally-connected now than I did when I was younger but in some ways, it’s not a good thing. I used to be a very detached child, a defense mechanism rooted in trauma, and I was young enough to lack self-awareness. I’ve grown in a lot of ways, but I’ve also learned that just because I’ve matured into adopting a sense of accountability doesn’t mean the majority of adults in society have as well. Just ask Karen.
• This imbalance between me being overly self-critical about being a “good person” and other people just not giving a shit has led to too many instances where they take advantage of me and I’m helpless to fight it because I think I “deserved” it. I may have evolved into a more conscious human being, but I have also devolved into my most overly-sensitive, over-thinking Pisces crybaby-self and I often reflect on the heartless hellion I once was; wondering if it’s better to feel or not to feel.

20. How would I define self-love now? How does this compare with my definition when I was younger?

• An acceptance of all parts. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the pride, the shame, the respect, the regret.
• My definition of self-love is actually less pervasive than my definition was in the past. I used to truly embody this idea of self-acceptance and never felt insecure about myself even when other people would criticize me because in my mind, I was right and they were wrong. Then my experience in the South, being exposed to a uniform standard of beauty and extreme bullying, dismantled my celebration of self into a dysmorphic mess of insecurities.
• It actually breaks my heart to realize how, due to this non-inclusionary definition of beauty according to brainless, size-zero Barbies, my brain came to accept that other people were right about me. I want to do more than accept myself, I want to seek out that inner voice again – the one that laughed when people called me fat because I loved my body. I am at a place of acceptance, but I want to return to my home of love.

21. If I could change one thing about myself, it would be:

• My bitterness. I am someone who holds onto grudges and memories of mistreatment because I take everything so personally. The naive part of me, the part that believes in karma and the good in the world and justice and equality, can’t reconcile how bad people get away with doing bad things and it festers in my soul until I fixate on it because it’s so universally unfair.
• I know that life is unfair and that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people but there’s a difference between logically grasping the truth and not feeling instinctively emotional about the reality. I am working on letting it the fuck go but it’s a lifelong work in progress because all that I am is too much feeling.

22. The one word to describe me would be:

• Loving. I suffocate my friends with how much I care for and support them. My cousins all treat me like a surrogate mother and I would die for them. I love giving gifts for no reason, sending care packages, finding things that remind me of you, making playlists, creating traditions and inside jokes, packing lunches with handwritten notes, cuddling with my two kittens – who are full grown but will forever be babies to me, making art for the people who are special to me, filming all of our favorite moments and making home movies, hosting girls’ nights in, writing long texts of appreciation, sending too many memes, loving how it feels to love.

23. If I could write a song about myself, it would include (or give song example):

• Feel the Pain by Dinosaur Jr (see video above).

24. If I could write a song about my life, it would include (or give song example):

• Here by Pavement.

25. I find the greatest pleasure in my life to be:

• Watching the people I love succeed alongside me. There’s no greater feeling than the people in your life glowing and leveling up hand-in-hand with you.

26. My greatest accomplishment is:

• There are a lot of academic accomplishments but I would prefer to define my accomplishments through the context of interpersonal relationships. My best friend knows this best, but I still marvel at the person I’ve become when I remember the person I once was. I finally feel truly happy and genuinely loved and deserving of both and honestly, that’s a motherfucking triumph.

27. In what settings am I the happiest, most eager, or most comfortable?

• I am the happiest, most eager, and the most comfortable when I’m with my family. Due to the difference of opinion between myself and my extended family, this statement is limited to just my mama, my siblings, and my cousins, but we have such a special bond that just having the core group of us while the adults shun me is always enough.
• I love our reunions where we congregate over cards and movies and art projects and dance competitions and board games and too much food and even more forbidden snacks we’ve had squirrelled away. I love when we spread out all the blankets in the basement and have a sleepover and catch up on everything we can possibly remember and don’t sleep until six in the morning and lie to our parents about what time we went to bed and then we go back downstairs and do it all over again.
• Lmao re-reading that makes me realize why my cousins find it so hard to believe I’m almost thirty instead of thirteen.

28. I look forward to being by myself when:

• I’m uncomfortable being out in the world and missing my cats back home.

29. If I had 3 wishes for my life, they would be:

• To be a published writer, to touch a community (specifically other Korean-American girls but also any other disenfranchised demographic of young women) with my writing, to inspire someone else to also become a writer.

30. The biggest regret of my life is:

• How I treated my father while he was still alive.

31. What are a few things I appreciate about my life? Why do these things seem significant?

• I appreciate my siblings, my friends, my future, and my past.
• These things seem significant because they are all aspects of my life I once found insufficient, nonexistent, impossible, or simply felt that I was too undeserving to ever attain. I have all of these things now, as well as an appreciation of the dark past I’ve had to overcome in order to become the person who feels this hopeful about her future.

32. In what situations do I feel most afraid or insecure?

• I feel the most insecure about achieving financial success to the degree I would need for my superficial family to finally acknowledge me. It’s not enough to be doing well, I have to be blowing stacks up their asses and paying for family vacations to be this tattooed and accepted. I only care because of how hard it is for my mom to be constantly caught in between her loyalty to her daughter or her family and I just want her to be able to say she’s proud of me without ten people screaming at her that she’s wrong for encouraging me. I don’t want their acceptance, I want to shut them all up.

33. The 3 things that most excite my imagination when I think about my life are:

• Playing dress up, planning events, and interior decorating.

34. What questions about intimacy or future connections do I find hard to ask myself?

• What kind of partner do I want romantically? Literally, idk what I want.

35. In what ways am I contributing to my physical health?

• I have been doing Yoga with Adriene’s monthly calendar regularly since April and strengthening my spine has allowed me to also pursue pilates while quarantined (via at-home workouts that keep me both fit and sane).

36. In what ways am I contributing to my emotional or mental health?

• Yoga and meditation, constant communication. I’m still a skeptic when it comes to mindfulness but I can’t deny how much meditating has helped to regulate my spiking anxiety. Communicating with my support system instead of withdrawing into my default state of Piscean escapism is key to keeping me more present and accountable.

37. In what ways am I contributing to my spiritual health?

• My wifey always asks after my spiritual well-being and points me in the direction of excellent Christian resources, so without her, I would be much more hopeless. My mom and I also talk often about the unexpected ways in which God works in our lives and she consistently fortifies my faith when I’m feeling uncertain (which is often). I also pay close attention to my frequent dreams and try to discern what they might mean.